2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
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That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Very good news from my accountant
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
this chia pet tastes awful
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave