Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

Here to help

My nickname in high school was “who?”

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.