Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

socratic questions

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”