Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir