Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

The big book of baby names but for safe words

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

🙂🙃🥹

it takes so much energy

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Do one person every day that scares you.

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.