Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

Basketball games are very squeaky.

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

everyone: “you changed”

the climate: i know 😞

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot