@ahamedweinberg

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

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@BonaFideIntent

Watching a Kristin Stewart movie. She’s being CHASED by ppl who want her DEAD. The CHEESE STICK I’m holding has a more frightened expression

@Jamberee13

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

@Cheeseboy22

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

@JKickinit30

*takes big toke of joint*

Waitress: Sir… that’s a burrito.

@Cpin42

[Prison Diary Day 5]

Did a perfect cartwheel today and nobody clapped. I hate it here

@thespacewad

If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.

@ryanqnorth

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

@joerogan

I know I spend too much time on my phone because I was reading a magazine and I just tried to enlarge the picture by spreading my fingers.