2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
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[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.