2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

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Watching a Kristin Stewart movie. She’s being CHASED by ppl who want her DEAD. The CHEESE STICK I’m holding has a more frightened expression


Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you


We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows


*takes big toke of joint*

Waitress: Sir… that’s a burrito.


[Prison Diary Day 5]

Did a perfect cartwheel today and nobody clapped. I hate it here


If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.


PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*


I know I spend too much time on my phone because I was reading a magazine and I just tried to enlarge the picture by spreading my fingers.