Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.