Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?