Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

computer: enter new password

me: munster

computer: password must be stronger

me: limburger

computer: stronger

me: Jake Paul

computer: stronger

me: AxeBodySpray

computer: password is too strong

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs