Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

I believe the plural is “milves.”

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

BETRAYAL

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

Drilling for oil is well boring.