Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

what my late-night hot pocket sees

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.