2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
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Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Mouse
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
i was dropped as an adult
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend