@simoncholland

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

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@jordan_stratton

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

@amydillon

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

@sammyrhodes

I don’t speak button, but if I could I’m pretty sure the button on my jeans is saying, “Aaaaah! Help me!” right now.

@RxitWounds

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

@KalvinMacleod

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

@drinksmcgee

Trainer: I don’t think you’re taking this workout seriously, bro
Me: How dare you say that?
T: Dude, you just cracked a beer
Me: *takes sip*

@CarpeAngela

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

@ReticentTurnip

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters