2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
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Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
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Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.