COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
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85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I don’t speak button, but if I could I’m pretty sure the button on my jeans is saying, “Aaaaah! Help me!” right now.
Dude open the door!
*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Trainer: I don’t think you’re taking this workout seriously, bro
Me: How dare you say that?
T: Dude, you just cracked a beer
Me: *takes sip*
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters