Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

I put the hot in psychotic.