2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
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*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
based
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what