2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
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“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Chicken bread
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.