Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.