Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

see next tweet for some translations

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

(Adobe CEO’s house)

Like the new couch hun?

Update it.

What about the wallpap…

UPDATE IT ALL.

You’re scaring the ki…

UPDATE THEM TOO…

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”