Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.