Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

Omg 🤣

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

never stops being funny