2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
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i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Body by sandwich.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.