Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

me doing my best

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

A dad and his duck

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı