Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

If snakes were wide

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some