Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds