Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside