Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

lmao😭🤣

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.