2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
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me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.