Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.