Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”