[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
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how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.