Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*

Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.