2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
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Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”