Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

😂😂

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…