Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”

My 7yo: What’s this song called?

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice