Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

Skills

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.