2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
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Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
this will hang in the louvre one day
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces