Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”