Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

Love thy neighbor’s dog

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table