Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This fish is cracking me up

guilty

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”