Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person