Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

God, I love Scotland

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

FINE, I WON’T.