Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

The booster protects against what, now?

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.