Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*