2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
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Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I feel it
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
this is uni
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no