Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.