Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.