Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

Canadian owl: Eh?

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

middle school in the ’90s

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.