Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired