Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

Room with a view.