Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

Thanks to a fan for this one!

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?