Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

when you order from DoorDastardly

{family style dinner}
Cannibal: More Kevins please

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

“Wait, let me explain..”

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?