Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

RT if you could go either way.

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.