2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
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*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Always 🥴
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.