2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

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why is it that whenever i sit alone in my dark room for days at a time consuming ungodly amounts of food without any social interaction im “depressed” and “need to see a therapist” but whenever other people do it they’re “quarantining”


So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?


How come they only do that moustache oil for men? Sexism.


I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.


As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror and I think that says alot


I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.


I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25


by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you


Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.