Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham