2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
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When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK