2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
You Might Also Like
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry