Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

there’s music for literally every activity

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

Woke up against my better judgment again

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”