2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
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“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
This is the one
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
LOL
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My Plans 2020
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
how long have you had this for?
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does