Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

One venti cheeseburger please.

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget