2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
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me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.