2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
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every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
i actually laughed 😩
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”