Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.