Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”

*if vodka could talk

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.

Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.