Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

Blew out my flip flop…

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.