Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

6. me as a lawyer

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

when someone rings the doorbell

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

ㅤ

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.