[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I hope Alan is OK
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.