Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

ㅤ

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this