2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
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*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you