Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.