Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

This makes total sense…

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco