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Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.