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The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Dolls on drugs
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
seriously you guys
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.