Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

I’m calling the cops.

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.