Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.