Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.