2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
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I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
🙀🙀🙀😹
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds